Just a song I was listening to. Hwangbo – Mature
I don’t have many experiences dating.
But I did have a couple of them I went with just because I thought they looked so good I can’t let go. I thought no one this good looking will ever like me again. I never liked them that much actually. But I just went with them because of their looks. So that I’ve dated such and such a handsome guy before, etc.
Now I think about it… I truly am sorry. I’m truly sorry. I want to cry thinking about it. I can’t believe I behaved that way. I just desperately wanted a taste of it. It’s so pathetic. I am so sorry…. my beloved.
I have to face my consequences now. I have no choice but to pay the price. Because no matter what I do, I can’t buy back my innocence. And I feel so sorry to everyone who loves me: My parents, my brothers, my friends…. They invested so much in me and I threw it away on people who don’t mean shit to me.
Most of all, I am sorry to the one I love. Because… I am in love now. I have someone I truly love. I don’t know if it’s one-sided or not yet but it doesn’t matter. He’s the weird one who made me realize.. I want to give the best of myself to him. However, I feel unworthy now…
I realized.. when we have someone we truly love, it is him or her we want to devote ourselves to. The more men I was with, the more of myself I’ve lost. I wish I had kept my everything for him and him alone. Before when I have no one whom I love like this, I didn’t know anything and don’t see the value to myself either. I don’t see the point of a single partner relationship. Isn’t it ironic how loving someone else makes me love myself too?
Whether it was my body, my heart… my time, my money… everything, I wish I had kept everything for him. He deserves it. Even though I still have so much of everything to offer him now.. it could have been so much more, I thought.
But.. I guess, I shouldn’t regret anything. Just don’t do this shit again, Honestee. To hell with all the cheap man hoes throwing themselves at me. I don’t care if they’re handsome, rich, educated, fun, funny, not funny, whatever. If I don’t love him then he doesn’t deserve anything my lover does. Not that I’m hot or anything but, if they do come along again sometimes, uh uh, I’m not having it.
Posted by Honestee 
