I swear no shopping this month

i swear to God

swear to my father in heaven

swear to my mother in germany

swear to my brother in indonesia

swear to my other brother next door

that i will not spend a dime on shopping for clothings this coming month – december.

that is my new month resolution.

no more shopping…………………….

withtheexceptionofonechristmasevedress.

LOL!!! what!!???? a woman needs to dress for christmas eve!

So All She Needed to Do Was to Get Laid

So is this what this has always been about?

Is that why she has been so uptight? So anal? So in-your-face? So angry? So oppressive? So judgmental? So bully? So CRAZY? And just soooo demonic?

YES. Seems like, apparently, according to her, I realized that that spinster hag, and women, need to have a man in their lives to keep them sane.

Now I know why she oppressed me so much when I had my first boyfriend at 17. She made me feel like I committed murder. I was soooooooo guilty to be with him and it helped ruin our relationship because I was always sorry I was with him. SHE WAS JUST JEALOUS.

Look at her now with a man. She’s so crazy about him and just totally changed. No longer hard. No longer uptight. No longer judgmental, I hope. I just really despise this moment now and I desperately want to roll my eyes at her. She’s even dressing sexy and revealing! WTH? Anyone but her. That’s the kind of impression she gave others and the same pressure she gave me to be like her and now wth is she doing? Hypocrite.

She is the one person in my life I find hard to forgive. She oppressed me so much. I was never free.

She always looked down on my actions. Yes, she is great. She was a top student in the nation, etc. She is very smart, very capable and very hardworking. She thinks herself to be up and above everyone else. She is an over achiever. She always does things above and beyond anyone else’s expectations. Hard-core.

And now at 30, when she is discovering the joy of love, 15 years late, she is letting herself go more so than she ever allowed me. I really cannot forgive her.

KBLL’s Wedding

lol. just seconds after i published my previous post, my friends started calling me. do they know about my blog or something???? i totally anonymous-ed it.

lol, nah.

we have an important event tomorrow. one of our best friends is getting married.

i don’t really want her to get married since she’d be hanging with other married people after that. i’m about 4 or 5 years younger than her but i still feel like i’m losing her. i didn’t even have much time to bond with her yet. there’re too many people in the group to have a one-on-one time with her.

anyway, blessings and well wishes to her, i guess.

i went dress hunting today. it is by far the most expensive piece of clothing i’ve bought in my life.

i have a full day tomorrow. seriously, last night and today were my only off days. i have been sleeping 3 hours a night.

Loneliness

The time I am loneliest is when I am different from everybody.

It’s so lonely when I have nobody I can connect with.

I’m not an average person and I’m very weird so I can’t just have average normal friends. I can mingle with them and be friends with them but I won’t have an outlet. That’d be like constipation. Go in but no come out. Full of shit.

And I can’t just have any weird friends. I need weird friends who’re weird in the same angle as me. It’s easy to be weird but it’s not the same as me weird.

It would be sooooooooo lonely if I had a rare terminal disease. Can you imagine the loneliness?

I had experienced something similar but it’s not physical.

It’s not enough that people want to be friends with me. I need them to understand me. It’s useless otherwise.

That’s why it’s lonely here where I am.

Free At Last

Yesterday, i’ve finally gotten the moment I’ve been waiting for all my life.

Wanna thank everybody: God first.. then Mom, and Dad in heaven.

My two cute bastard brothers who’ve supported me endlessly.

My friends – those who care.

God knows how much pain and suffering went into this… my father died
because of this.. I was fatherless my whole life because of this.. my
people have died and are dying because of this. Not to mention
lifelong sufferings.

You know.. it is really hard.

But I believed in love. And I’m not sure for sure but so far, the
experiment on my own life of living life with love as the ultimate
purpose to everything has brought me thus far.

It fuels me to continue doing so. No matter what bad things happen
to me, no matter how hard life is, I want to keep this integrity of
basing my life in love. I cannot compromise love. Even if it hurts, if
it’s love, I will do it. Vice versa. Even if it’s for me, if it’s not
love, I won’t do it.

Cheers to the truth love brings. And in this case, the truth has set me free.

The Purpose in Life is Not Just to Survive

You know how people give excuses like “survival of the fittest” and “kill or be killed” for being full of shits or to do shits to others?

I’m not having any more of it.

I’m also tired of listening to “the other” side of the problem about this “big question” in life: Why are we here?

“The other” side makes jokes about life, diminishes the sanctity of it, and looks down on the quest for the truth. They say life is just life. There’s nothing more to it. You eat, drink, take a good shit, sleep, and repeat. We made the whole thing about the importance of life up.

When I first heard their side of the story, I was speechless for a while. Hey, maybe we did make everything up! Maybe they’re right! Life does not matter nor does morals or values! I thought about it for a couple of years and now I’ve decided – NO, we didn’t make it up! Life does matter! So does morals, values, spirituality, and everything else! Thank God we each have a say and I don’t have to be imprisoned by their opinions (they don’t have to agree with mine either). As far as my eyes, brains, heart, and soul can see, there is more to life than just surviving. So it was a conscious decision that I’ve made to believe in life beyond mere surviving because I did listen to their side of the story and contemplated with it for so long. But now I’m even more sure of myself.

Hur, I don’t know if you’ve experienced this before but karma is a bitch. It’s as real as the hemorrhoid in the ass. Some call it retribution, math calls it probability, you may insist it’s coincidence, my mom calls it fate, but whichever term you fancy, it exists and it’s constantly bracing itself for another attack.

If these people who hurt others justify their actions by saying they had to do it for survival or some noble cause, don’t be swayed. They’re FOS. They can also justify their ridiculous behavior by saying it’s not a big deal. After all, they’re the opposers to the purpose in life. They think that in life, we just need to make a lot of money, eat as much good food, have as much fun, travel to as many places, do whatever the hell they want, and live a careless selfish life. And in order to do these, they need to get whatever’s in between out of their way. Unfortunately, the whatever’s in between many a time happens to involve someone else’s valuable life.

Very obviously, life is not just about surviving. Why? Because we’re all going to die. It’s as simple as that. If you wanna survive so much, don’t bother. You’re gonna die anyway. That’s one thing we know for sure. So we shouldn’t try too hard at “surviving.” (“Surviving” in here means hurting others to get your way.)

But one thing we never know is what’s going to happen after we die. So as smart people, shouldn’t we take precautions and live carefully? Live like there’s tomorrow. Live like there’s life after death. Live like you have to face or see someone even after death. In that way, we won’t be sorry in any way.

So if you’re “surviving” at the expense of others, you might as well die since we’re all gonna die. If you’re gonna live, live an honorable, upright, honest life. You won’t be sorry that way. How can you be sorry that you gave your $5 to a homeless kid instead of spending it for yourself? Because if you were sorry, it’d be a waste anyway. Because you’re gonna die whether you gave the kid your money or kept it for yourself. Hopefully you have registered that by now.

The end.

I’ve written this because I don’t understand the mechanism of the unbelievable people. You have seen them, the unbelievable ones. They kill others without a wink. So I’ve been thinking of ways to explain to myself and I came up with the above. In there is my stance on abortion, the business world, etc. Haha, surprising but yes they’re in there.

It is super hard to put my thoughts into words. I hope people don’t misunderstanding by thinking I think we all should die. LoL… it’s hard to get my mind. It’s even harder to explain what I am actually thinking. I think a lot all the time, the whole time, the whole day, every day… about life and stuff. I look forward to be enlightened again and again in the near and far future and improve my look on life. Also, I know it’ll help if I can improve my English. 加油!

Also, although I said it’s bullshit to step on others for your own sake, I never said I’ve never done it myself or it’s easy to avoid. Sometimes it’s really life and death. Sometimes, I wonder if I will kill someone else in order to save my mother. Sometimes, I know I would do the same or worse if I were in a dilemma that many people were in. It’s too hard sometimes. I know. But if you read my previous post, you’ll see this is why I say each and everyone of us is full of shit. We just can’t help it. In that way, we are really better off dead huh? Haha.. but nah, that’s another story. Despite our shortcomings, we should keep fighting.

Also, I’m not necessarily happy if people agree with me. More than the support or the lack of it, I prefer to learn from others.

We Are So Full of Shit

It’s not something I didn’t know but I kept realizing how full of shit every one of us is.

No matter how cool, how nice, how kind, how smart, how intelligent we are…  every single one of us is so full of shit, aren’t we?

There hasn’t been one, not one soul, who is clean or righteous or who has yet to prove me wrong.

Just when I thought I’m really good, I realize I’m full of shit.

Growing up, some adults only showed their good side to me. I thought they were angels. They loved me too so they didn’t want me to see their inadequacies and whatnot. Some of them would die to hide things from me.

Like my father. He only used kind words to me. He never yelled, he was never even rude.

Later I realized how he really is with others. Especially to my mom. I can’t even believe it’s the same man saying these unbelievable things. And yet he loved her?

Point is… no matter how good we are, we are still full of shit. The total depravity of man theory is especially meaningful to me now. I truly understand now what it means to be fallen. Every day is a battle against my sins. Though I cannot avoid it, I won’t give in.

Regretting Superficial Relationships

Just a song I was listening to. Hwangbo – Mature

I don’t have many experiences dating.

But I did have a couple of them I went with just because I thought they looked so good I can’t let go. I thought no one this good looking will ever like me again. I never liked them that much actually. But I just went with them because of their looks. So that I’ve dated such and such a handsome guy before, etc.

Now I think about it… I truly am sorry. I’m truly sorry. I want to cry thinking about it. I can’t believe I behaved that way. I just desperately wanted a taste of it. It’s so pathetic. I am so sorry…. my beloved.

I have to face my consequences now. I have no choice but to pay the price. Because no matter what I do, I can’t buy back my innocence. And I feel so sorry to everyone who loves me: My parents, my brothers, my friends…. They invested so much in me and I threw it away on people who don’t mean shit to me.

Most of all, I am sorry to the one I love. Because… I am in love now. I have someone I truly love. I don’t know if it’s one-sided or not yet but it doesn’t matter. He’s the weird one who made me realize.. I want to give the best of myself to him. However, I feel unworthy now…

I realized.. when we have someone we truly love, it is him or her we want to devote ourselves to. The more men I was with, the more of myself I’ve lost. I wish I had kept my everything for him and him alone. Before when I have no one whom I love like this, I didn’t know anything and don’t see the value to myself either. I don’t see the point of a single partner relationship. Isn’t it ironic how loving someone else makes me love myself too?

Whether it was my body, my heart… my time, my money… everything, I wish I had kept everything for him. He deserves it. Even though I still have so much of everything to offer him now.. it could have been so much more, I thought.

But.. I guess, I shouldn’t regret anything. Just don’t do this shit again, Honestee. To hell with all the cheap man hoes throwing themselves at me. I don’t care if they’re handsome, rich, educated, fun, funny, not funny, whatever. If I don’t love him then he doesn’t deserve anything my lover does. Not that I’m hot or anything but, if they do come along again sometimes, uh uh, I’m not having it.

Protected: Self-Evaluation: Yay, A Lot of Shits to Deal With

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