So All She Needed to Do Was to Get Laid

So is this what this has always been about?

Is that why she has been so uptight? So anal? So in-your-face? So angry? So oppressive? So judgmental? So bully? So CRAZY? And just soooo demonic?

YES. Seems like, apparently, according to her, I realized that that spinster hag, and women, need to have a man in their lives to keep them sane.

Now I know why she oppressed me so much when I had my first boyfriend at 17. She made me feel like I committed murder. I was soooooooo guilty to be with him and it helped ruin our relationship because I was always sorry I was with him. SHE WAS JUST JEALOUS.

Look at her now with a man. She’s so crazy about him and just totally changed. No longer hard. No longer uptight. No longer judgmental, I hope. I just really despise this moment now and I desperately want to roll my eyes at her. She’s even dressing sexy and revealing! WTH? Anyone but her. That’s the kind of impression she gave others and the same pressure she gave me to be like her and now wth is she doing? Hypocrite.

She is the one person in my life I find hard to forgive. She oppressed me so much. I was never free.

She always looked down on my actions. Yes, she is great. She was a top student in the nation, etc. She is very smart, very capable and very hardworking. She thinks herself to be up and above everyone else. She is an over achiever. She always does things above and beyond anyone else’s expectations. Hard-core.

And now at 30, when she is discovering the joy of love, 15 years late, she is letting herself go more so than she ever allowed me. I really cannot forgive her.

We Are So Full of Shit

It’s not something I didn’t know but I kept realizing how full of shit every one of us is.

No matter how cool, how nice, how kind, how smart, how intelligent we are…  every single one of us is so full of shit, aren’t we?

There hasn’t been one, not one soul, who is clean or righteous or who has yet to prove me wrong.

Just when I thought I’m really good, I realize I’m full of shit.

Growing up, some adults only showed their good side to me. I thought they were angels. They loved me too so they didn’t want me to see their inadequacies and whatnot. Some of them would die to hide things from me.

Like my father. He only used kind words to me. He never yelled, he was never even rude.

Later I realized how he really is with others. Especially to my mom. I can’t even believe it’s the same man saying these unbelievable things. And yet he loved her?

Point is… no matter how good we are, we are still full of shit. The total depravity of man theory is especially meaningful to me now. I truly understand now what it means to be fallen. Every day is a battle against my sins. Though I cannot avoid it, I won’t give in.