can’t sleep

i’d like to think it’s because of some honorable reason or even romantic reason like i’m thinking too much about DT but really i can’t sleep cause i slept from 6pm yesterday till 9am this morning… must be my record.

i had finals for one whole week so i almost didn’t sleep every night… i’d sleep an hour, wake up in sweat and panic attacks to the point i was frozen and couldn’t move… so when it was all over on thursday, i just crashed.

if i don’t ace my major courses, i should just die.

i never had panic attacks before so i didn’t know it when it was happening.. i only realized when it got to a point i had to scream at myself this is not normal stress… look, i’m stressed i’m stressed i’m stressed omg omg help me help me help me this moment this moment this moment omg omg what is this what is this what is this omg omg omg i’m super stressed i can’t take this moment right here this moment right here i can’t take it omg help me i can’t breathe i can’t breathe hooooooo haaaaaahh hoooooooooo haaaaaahh!!!

lol it was like that. it was short but many? keeps happening through the week. the hardest exam was on thursday so wednesday i suffered the most studying. i had to beat myself up to not sleep. i had to push and try soooo hard.. and discipline myself to a point i really feel like crying and dying, to study. so i slept 2 hours, even though i had a super hard day and i couldn’t take no more, i slept 2 hours and continued and keep continuing for 4 days… i almost compared myself to Jesus and His death for three days and how He battled death for 3 days before He resurrected. oh this must be what He felt like, i thought. lol.. funny how His birthday is next on the calendar.

So FED UP!!!!

I don’t know what the hell happened that I’ve become so popular all of a sudden.

I just want to be alone, god damn it.

I can’t even describe how pissed, how angry, how fed up I am now of everything.

I hate how my roommate comes talk shit to me when I just want to be by myself. Have you ever wanted so badly to take a break after a long day and people fucking come complain shit to you?

Leave me the fuck alone, I don’t wanna talk to you or nobody.  I had a long day alright? Leave me the fuck alone! Talk to me tomorrow or something.

People really have no fucking initiatives. Do I always have to ask for money? Why can’t you pay without me asking?

I can’t take this shit no more. Every month is the same. I really want to get the hell away from these idiots.

People have been calling me all day about different shit too. Since Monday. It’s always something. I need to throw my phone away. And my mom’s been calling me everyday too. To nag. It’s like…. I’m going to explode. If I talk back, she’ll be sad so I can’t do anything but listen.

“My car broke down, can you come pick me up?”
“I don’t know how to do this problem, are you in school?”
“Can you meet me up at …”
“Go have a drink with me please please please…”
“Hey, Honestee!”
“Hey! Over here!”
“Hey this! Hey that!”

SHUT UP!!!!!!!

Full of shit. Why can’t I be by myself. I like being by myself. I like being with people I like. I hate being with these people who are nothing but trouble. They only want to suck. Take and no give.

I hate suckers.

Those people who drain energy out of you.

Those who only want to take advantage of you and gain something out of you.

I’m tired of seeing them all. I know my period is coming that’s why I’m overly moody but I really am so fed up beyond words.

what the hell is going on with my life right now

it’s a freaking ball of mess now.

the problem: i don’t know if what i’m doing is right.

i’m doing a lot of things. i’m just not sure if i’m investing in the right things.

i’m not necessarily happy doing some of them.

for example, i became some officer for a school organization. it’s supposedly good but i’m not happy doing it.

should i be doing something else is the question.

i always doubt my decisions. what is right, what is wrong.

i’ll never know. do i have to get slapped for my wrong decisions in order to know they were wrong?

i just wanna skip the slap part.

God. why do i feel so far from You?

it’s frustrating for no reason. it’s frustrating because there’s no guideline for me to follow. everything is in my hands.

This is it.

The interview that I’ve been waiting and preparing for all my life is here. Tomorrow.

Have you ever been so hungry that you’re not hungry anymore?

Right now, I am nervous beyond nervousness.

God, please let me do well!

Pa, this is for you. You will fulfill your dream even in death.

So, thank you for doing this for me. I love you. I miss you.

See you when I get there.

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