so much things have been happening between us these days that i didn’t have time to write them all down.

i see him almost every day now, for some reasons. it’s almost as if we’re trying to draw close to one another. i don’t know how it is that we keep bumping into each other in a campus with over 30,000 students with different schedules. sometimes i see him several times a day. i don’t even see my friends whom i’ve actually made appointments to meet that many times.

he makes me really happy with all the small moves like sitting behind me without me knowing (i almost flipped my book when i realized he was behind)… walking back and forth into my view etc.

i don’t know why he’s sooo scared of me though. these days he does it less but he almost always freak out or jumps when he sees me.

i don’t feel good about that at all. it makes me feel like i’m a scary girl and he doesn’t want to see me? i already have complex with my looks for being monstrous and scary so it is certainly not my ego booster when he does that.

Yesterday, i’ve finally gotten the moment I’ve been waiting for all my life.

I bumped into DT again today.

This time, it was so in the face that he couldn’t not say hi to me.

But the thing is, he was caught so off guard that he panicked! LMAO… like always.

I was so surprised to see him kinda freak out. What the hell, I thought.

Really, I was surprised to see him too but I was normal. I mean, what’s the big deal? It’s even more surprising to see him flutter.

Why would he panic? I really don’t understand him. I think I must be quite scary… so I didn’t want to scare him further and just left after a hi. I’ve been trying to talk to him forever but he’s just not helping so I don’t wanna push it.

I can’t believe he would freak out like this. He’s done it a few times before but does he not know he is the hottest man on earth? To be intimidated by a fug like me is embarrassingly hilarious, D. Be a man!

Most of the time, I could see him being really tense around me and he ignores me very blatantly. He talks to everyone except me. I’m used to it. It’s either really good or really bad because he either really likes me or really dislikes me.

I’ve always thought he was cool and just macho but today, I saw the child-like side of him… again. I’m not sure if it’s a turn-off or a turn-on but I certainly thought of TT who is 5 years younger than me and acting like he owns me.

I can’t have a man who’s afraid of me.

Just a song I was listening to. Hwangbo – Mature

I don’t have many experiences dating.

But I did have a couple of them I went with just because I thought they looked so good I can’t let go. I thought no one this good looking will ever like me again. I never liked them that much actually. But I just went with them because of their looks. So that I’ve dated such and such a handsome guy before, etc.

Now I think about it… I truly am sorry. I’m truly sorry. I want to cry thinking about it. I can’t believe I behaved that way. I just desperately wanted a taste of it. It’s so pathetic. I am so sorry…. my beloved.

I have to face my consequences now. I have no choice but to pay the price. Because no matter what I do, I can’t buy back my innocence. And I feel so sorry to everyone who loves me: My parents, my brothers, my friends…. They invested so much in me and I threw it away on people who don’t mean shit to me.

Most of all, I am sorry to the one I love. Because… I am in love now. I have someone I truly love. I don’t know if it’s one-sided or not yet but it doesn’t matter. He’s the weird one who made me realize.. I want to give the best of myself to him. However, I feel unworthy now…

I realized.. when we have someone we truly love, it is him or her we want to devote ourselves to. The more men I was with, the more of myself I’ve lost. I wish I had kept my everything for him and him alone. Before when I have no one whom I love like this, I didn’t know anything and don’t see the value to myself either. I don’t see the point of a single partner relationship. Isn’t it ironic how loving someone else makes me love myself too?

Whether it was my body, my heart… my time, my money… everything, I wish I had kept everything for him. He deserves it. Even though I still have so much of everything to offer him now.. it could have been so much more, I thought.

But.. I guess, I shouldn’t regret anything. Just don’t do this shit again, Honestee. To hell with all the cheap man hoes throwing themselves at me. I don’t care if they’re handsome, rich, educated, fun, funny, not funny, whatever. If I don’t love him then he doesn’t deserve anything my lover does. Not that I’m hot or anything but, if they do come along again sometimes, uh uh, I’m not having it.

我一直很有自信 平常不怕说出口
I’ve always been the confident type
I’m usually not afraid to say it

但在你身边时候 突然感觉好害羞
But when you’re by my side
Suddenly, I feel so shy

Boy u make me so shy
Everytime u walk by

怎麽我会变这样?身体不听我的
How did I become like this?
My body’s not listening to me

从没有过这感觉?情绪失去控制
I’ve never had this feeling before
I’m losing control of my feelings

Don’t know what u do to me
I just know it feels riqht
Never felt this way like
I’m outta control

不知道?不知道?为什麽?对你说
喜欢你?说不出口
I don’t know. I don’t know.
Why is saying I love you is so hard? I just can’t say it.

好想跟你表白?好想眼你表白
I really want to confess my feelings to you.
I really want to confess my feelings for you.

为什麽?为什麽?不知道?怎麽说 喜欢你?说不出口
I don’t know. I don’t know.
Why is saying I love you is so hard? I just can’t say it.

好想跟你表白?好想跟你表白
I really want to confess my feelings to you.
I really want to confess my feelings for you.

It’s like a scene from the movies – the way we crossed roads.

According to my earlier post, I was supposed to confess my feelings for him if I were to meet him again. But the run-in was too damn surprising so I wasn’t ready at all… Worst – I panicked and froze-walked – penguin style.

He must think I am an idiot or something.

I’m super useless. I prepared so long for this moment and I just screwed it up. I was really too freaking nervous to even look up. I don’t know what the hell happened to the usual me. I’m pretty confident with everything else. But when it comes to him, I’m chicken shit. I transform to this spineless useless liquid shit. Urgh.

Why dramatic? It’s not like our meetings have been any less unusual. But today was really special. God, please forgive me. Although You gave me such a wonderful opportunity and such a wonderful place to do it, I was possessed. Please give me another chance!

You know my school is very green like this but lesser trees and more open spaces.

He was coming from the left horizontal and I was coming from the front vertical… For some reasons, no other students were there! We could see each other walking towards the same junction and my heart was BOM BOM BOM BOM lol… “Woman, will it be too weird if you suddenly walk back now? Woman, don’t do it! It’s too obvious you’re running away from him! And woman! Don’t stop walking that’s even worse! Just act natural just act natural! WOMAN!!! STOP FREEZING!!!”

LOL I obviously wasn’t natural. I was stoned! This is very useless…… I am useless.

What the hell, we have thousands of students on campus but at that moment, no one was at the crossroad… Stupid cupid. And all this happened during the rare 15 minutes break that I had and I was running from a place to another place!

I had the perfect opportunity but I threw it away… God, please give me another chance.. I swear I’ll do it!!!

I’m really nervous x 10000000.

But after almost 2 years… I have decided to confess my feelings for him.

I’m really not expecting anything in return. I can finally move on after he rejects me. Because whenever I almost hook up with somebody in clubs or school, I only thought of him.

Plus I just want him to know someone really cares for him.

I’m gonna say it in public in front of everybody. Because I don’t know how to corner someone.

I’m so scared now I kinda wish I won’t bump into him again.

Wish me luck.