Free At Last

Yesterday, i’ve finally gotten the moment I’ve been waiting for all my life.

Wanna thank everybody: God first.. then Mom, and Dad in heaven.

My two cute bastard brothers who’ve supported me endlessly.

My friends – those who care.

God knows how much pain and suffering went into this… my father died
because of this.. I was fatherless my whole life because of this.. my
people have died and are dying because of this. Not to mention
lifelong sufferings.

You know.. it is really hard.

But I believed in love. And I’m not sure for sure but so far, the
experiment on my own life of living life with love as the ultimate
purpose to everything has brought me thus far.

It fuels me to continue doing so. No matter what bad things happen
to me, no matter how hard life is, I want to keep this integrity of
basing my life in love. I cannot compromise love. Even if it hurts, if
it’s love, I will do it. Vice versa. Even if it’s for me, if it’s not
love, I won’t do it.

Cheers to the truth love brings. And in this case, the truth has set me free.

Life or Death

What would I do if the answer was a yes?

What would I do if the answer was a no?

My heart must be right with God. At the slightest hint of arrogance or deceit, I trample myself to death with my foot.

I would just smack it! Smack it! I won’t allow a compromise in my beliefs.

No convenience, no comfort zones. I discipline myself in pain and tears. I beat myself up.

I know what the outcome is going to be. God has been with me before I knew it. When I look back on the path, it’s too scary because of how real He is in my life.

The judgment day is finally here for me. I wonder what He wants me to do actually.

What is His point… what is His plan.. what is He trying to do… what is He trying to show me… all these, I will know tomorrow.

We Are So Full of Shit

It’s not something I didn’t know but I kept realizing how full of shit every one of us is.

No matter how cool, how nice, how kind, how smart, how intelligent we are…  every single one of us is so full of shit, aren’t we?

There hasn’t been one, not one soul, who is clean or righteous or who has yet to prove me wrong.

Just when I thought I’m really good, I realize I’m full of shit.

Growing up, some adults only showed their good side to me. I thought they were angels. They loved me too so they didn’t want me to see their inadequacies and whatnot. Some of them would die to hide things from me.

Like my father. He only used kind words to me. He never yelled, he was never even rude.

Later I realized how he really is with others. Especially to my mom. I can’t even believe it’s the same man saying these unbelievable things. And yet he loved her?

Point is… no matter how good we are, we are still full of shit. The total depravity of man theory is especially meaningful to me now. I truly understand now what it means to be fallen. Every day is a battle against my sins. Though I cannot avoid it, I won’t give in.

Protected: Self-Evaluation: Yay, A Lot of Shits to Deal With

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